Divorce Grief: How a Utah Divorce Mediator can Help

Sometimes, couples stay together due to feeling guilty about "giving up" on their marriage. Other times, this guilt can take different forms for those going through the process of divorce, including grief. But you don't have to go through divorce grief alone. In Utah, there are family law attorneys, sometimes referred to as Utah divorce mediators, who can help you work through the stages of grief that come with divorce and effectively navigate this difficult period.

The Stages of Divorce Grief

In our modern society, most people are not strangers to the stage of grief, first developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying." In recent years, psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow has gone on to say that couples working through a divorce experience similar stages. The stages of divorce grief are a natural response. They are often triggered by what Dr. Klapow calls "social death," referring to divorce.

It's important to note that these stages are not linear and may overlap or repeat throughout the divorce process.

Denial

In many cases, when the need for divorce arises in a relationship, shock tends to be the initial emotional response. Depending on the cause of the marital breakdown, either the filing or non-filing spouse may experience this initial shock, or period of disbelief, at different points as the relationship starts shifting toward the need for divorce. At this stage, one or both spouses may enter a state of denial, unwilling to accept that their marriage is falling apart. 

They may hesitate to tell family or friends about the situation, or they may convince themselves that their spouse won't go through with the divorce. Individuals may also experience confusion, and many have expressed feelings of numbness as they shut down and avoid addressing the situation at all.

Individuals may find it difficult to seek advice from a divorce attorney while still in the denial stage. However, those who do are often better prepared mentally, emotionally, and physically and can work through the stages of divorce grief more quickly.

Anger

When reality finally sets in, feelings of anger and resentment often surface. These feelings may be directed at oneself, the spouse, or the circumstances because they feel things are out of one's control. They can also lead to conflicted emotions of frustration or betrayal, cause the individual to be impatient or hostile toward their partner, and even lead to the use of alcohol or drugs. 

It is important to understand that all these feelings are normal. When given a focus, they can help the person be energized and start working to move forward. Journaling about your emotions or letting them out through physical exercise are excellent ways to work through them.

Bargaining

Once the anger has passed, many will bargain with themselves or others. This can take many different forms, and an individual may experience one or more of them. 

The most explicit way this stage manifests is when the spouse seeks ways to salvage their relationship with their partner. They feel desperate as they try one or several final ditch efforts to save their marriage. Even for those in this bargaining stage, it is imperative to start prepping your finances and work with a lawyer in case reconciliation fails.

Another form of bargaining often manifests when a marriage cannot be saved. Feelings of guilt and blame cause people to bargain with themselves with speculative statements like "if only" and "What if I…" 

While these feelings are normal, it is important to realize that these kinds of statements are not constructive and may prolong or increase the feelings of blame, guilt, anxiety, and fear.

Depression

Depression is a natural part of the grieving process. Still, this stage can often hit at particularly stressful times, such as during the negotiation period for the settlement terms or preparing for court proceedings, when the finality of the divorce becomes undeniable.

Individuals may experience profound sadness, loneliness, and a sense of hopelessness or despair as they try to figure out what life is without their marriage. They may lose interest in food and social activities and have trouble sleeping. Many also turn to alcohol or drugs to escape their pain. 

If you have reached this stage in your divorce grief, remember it is okay to cry as often as needed. Try to surround yourself with family or friends who support you and help remind you that this is only temporary. You can also seek help from a grief counselor so that you don’t feel so alone and/or abandoned.

Acceptance

It is hard to accept that your marriage is over, but that doesn't mean your life is. In time, you can start a new life that is better than before. Take time to celebrate yourself and those you have in your life, and make new plans to shape your future.

Again, it's important to note that these stages are not linear and may overlap or repeat throughout the divorce process.

How Utah Divorce Lawyers Can Help

In Utah, divorce mediators and lawyers play vital roles in helping individuals navigate divorce's legal and emotional aspects. When a spouse is still grieving, their legal divorce mediator is there as a cool, informed head to help them manage their affairs and get the best settlement possible. A divorce lawyer facilitates communication with the estranged spouse, their representative, and the court to protect their client's interests. 

While they are not therapists, experienced lawyers understand the emotional toll of divorce. They can provide a supportive environment and direct clients to appropriate mental health resources. They can also offer legal guidance while helping streamline the divorce process, which allows the individual to get through the legal process more quickly while protecting their mental and physical health.